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In the year 1015 AD in France there was a certain young goat-herder who one day ran afoul of some ruffians. The men stripped him, beat him, and absconded with his herd of goats. He spent the night sleeping by the side of the road, too weak to move. Passersby were few, and typically chose not to notice him, despite his pleas for aid. To make matters worse, it began to rain. As he lay there, cursing his fate, an angel of the Lord appeared.

"Jacques," it proclaimed, for at that time, everyone in France was named Jacques, "The Lord has seen your plight, and knows you to be a pious man. If you but praise His name, he shall exalt you, and lift you on high when you go to your final glory."

"Angel," replied Jacques, "I have but one question: Where was the Lord when I was being beaten? Will the Lord return my goats to me? Will the Lord offer me recompense? Nay, it seems to me. And so I say unto you: go eat a bag of dicks, and drown in a thousand gallons of cat urine."

And with that, Jacques seized a nearby stone and flung it in the face of the angel, who immediately died and began to bleed into a nearby pool of rainwater. And Jacques began to drink of the blood and rainwater, noticing for the first time the beauty of the reflected stars.

The following day, Jacques awoke to find that his wounds had healed, and his pockets were stuffed with gold.

This is a song about a girl I liked in high school.

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from Judge, Judy, & Executioner, released June 25, 2012

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The Muffin Recording Company Portland, Oregon

Styop Quoons is made entirely out of candy. You should not only listen to him, you should lick him like a lollipop.

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